Fight of the Century: Portland “Jailblazers” vs. “Malice at the Palace” Pacers

Whenever two dominant forces coexist, whether in sports or the world, it seems to be human nature to compare the two; From US vs. Soviet Union to Rocky Balboa vs. Ivan Drago, people always demand a winner and loser in sports and in life.  In the 21^st century, two NBA teams distinguished themselves as extraordinarily Thugnificent through their exploits both on and off the court: the 2002-2003 Portland Trailblazers and the 2004-2005 Indiana Pacers.  These two teams were filled with players of moderate basketball skill, but more importantly players of larger than life personalities and criminal records (almost as large as Trailblazer great Fat Shawn Kemp).  Sadly, these two teams never met each other while in their prime (by the time the Pacers had achieved Malice at the Palace level skill, the Trailblazers had shipped out NBA greats Qyntel Woods, Dale Davis and others in order to begin the Darius Miles era in earnest).  But what if they had met?  Who would’ve won the street fight that was bound to erupt in the player’s parking lot following the game?

For this analysis, each member of the teams’ starting 5’s will be matched up, and a fight between them dissected with the precision of Tony Allen’s barber.  Not the actual starting line-ups of course, but instead the five best brawlers on the roster.**  The rules are simple: there are no rules (just like Isiah Rider’s shot selection). 

**Dale Davis, a member of both teams, abstains from the fight and instead fights a bear

Damon Stoudamire vs. Jamaal Tinsley

Without a doubt, Damon Stoudamire was a true Blazer during his time in Portland, in every sense of the word.  Responding to a security alarm at Stoudamire’s home in 2002, police instead found a pound of marijuana stashed in his home.  Additionally, “Mighty Mouse” was pulled over by police with fellow Blazer Rasheed Wallace (in his bright yellow Hummer, naturally) while under the influence of the drug, and was fined and suspended after a third possession offense in 2003.   However, Damon showed a crafty side when he took a voluntary drug test administered by a third party in order to counter his detractors, coming away clean.  Although the integrity of the test was questioned by many league sources, this move shows that Damon has a mind for strategery.

Although Jamaal Tinsley has no criminal record, growing up in Rucker Park his nickname was “Mel Mel the Abuser,” which suggests that he is not above acts of violence.  Throughout his career Mel Mel has proven to be a serviceable sidekick, dishing out as many as 8.4 assists (2007-2008) in any given year.  Although this penchant for assists might have served him well in an all out brawl, he will be hard pressed to create for himself in a one-on-one match-up.  However, as a perennial headband wearer you can’t count him out.

Advantage: Blazers.  Despite Jamaal’s headband the smoke emanating from Damon’s mouth intimidates him, and as Jamaal looks around desperately for help, “Mighty Mouse” rolls over his opponent in his Yellow Hummer, sending him up to meet the Big Dealer in the Sky.

Ruben Patterson vs. Stephen Jackson

Ruben Patterson’s rap sheet runs as long as Drew Gooden’s beard, from attempted rape to assault and back again.  In addition to being a registered sex offender Patterson is just a bad-ass dude, bullying his way around on the basketball court while bullying his wife and others off of it.  However, it must be noted that the majority of the violence he’s been convicted for has been conducted against women, meaning that while he is a serious threat to the nearest Victoria’s Secret or yoga class, those skills might not carry over to the court.

While many former teammates and coaches have championed Stephen Jackson’s character and willingness to work within a team concept, he has been accused of assault and battery (among other things) and played a key role in the Malice at the Palace.  Video evidence suggests that he will swing wildly at innocent spectators, let alone his actual target.  During a fight outside of a club in Indianapolis in 2006 “Captain Jack” fired a 9-mm pistol at his alleged assailants, so in this particular battle it’s not unlikely that he would be willing to employ a weapon in his fight against in the Blazers.

Advantage: Pacers.  Apart from his great headband, the Captain’s propensity towards firearms and willingness to charge headfirst into a fight prove too much for Patterson, who is admitted to the hospital and ends up assaulting his nurse.

Qyntel Woods vs. Ron Artest

Before Michael Vick, there was Qyntel Woods.  Like, Woods was found guilty to first degree animal abuse after staging pit bull fights at his home, some of which included pit bulls he raised himself.  However, unlike Vick, Woods did not receive jail time but instead paid a $10,000 fine and performed 80 hours of community service.  How the times have changed.  While watching dog fights Qyntel undoubtedly gained a wealth of knowledge about cruelty, forcing other animals to do your fighting for you, and how to be a dick.  No wonder he’s playing in Poland right now.

Ron Artest.  J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award winner.  Humanitarian.  Patriot.  Renaissance man.  Ron-Ron may seem awfully cultured now, but there was a time when he charged into the stands at agame and punched innocent fans, believe it or not.  Apart from that, he is known as a dirtier sort of defender, and holds the distinction of having been handed the longest suspension for an on-court event in NBA history.  In short, he’s a pretty rough guy, but then again I would be too if I had ever seen somebody killed on the court during a game.  

Advantage: Pacers.  As an active member of PETA, Ron Artest will have a problem with Qyntel Woods.  Seeing as though he sacrificed over $4 million by running into the stands to hit somebody (the wrong body, as it turns out) who threw a Diet Coke on him, he’s probably not going to hold back when going after Qyntel.  Going after him with a table leg, that is.

Zach Randolph vs. Jermaine O’Neal

Zach Randolph has little regard for the safety of his opponents.  In fact, he has even hit his own teammate in the face in the pursuit of greater team chemistry and that elusive championship ring.  Obviously he would never throw a punch unless the other guy was asking for it, friend or foe alike, because Z-Bo is not only the best player in The League, but a superior human being.  With a headband upon his head, Z-Bo is load in the paint, and a force in the parking lot.

If nothing else, Jermaine O’Neal is cold blooded.  How else could you basically Kermit Washington a fan being helped off the floor after the police are already involved?  Rumor has it that even Jermaine’s teammates won’t sleep on the plane, for fear that he’ll smother them with a pillow while they sleep.  He’s that menacing (or passive aggressive, depending on how you look at it).  Having been a Blazer himself, “J.O” (as NBA.com calls him) will have an axe to grind with his former team, and has the tools (or lack of moral fiber) to sucker punch Zach Randolph and end the fight before it begins.

Advantage: Blazers.  How could anyone pick against Z-Bo?  With his slick footwork and sharp elbows, Zach Randolph will be sure to box out Jermaine O’Neal’s face with his fist.

Rasheed Wallace vs. Jeff Foster

 “Sheed” has demonstrated his problem with authority throughout his career, having amassed countless technical fouls and even threatening bodily harm towards Tim Donaghy (poor guy, or is he?) following a game in 2003.  Rasheed has been tied to marijuana use throughout his career as well (must of Damon Stoudamire’s friends are), but he has not let that stop him from repeatedly fighting his opponents and referees en route to multiple championships.  His on court rage is second to none.

Although he has no police record or notable altercations in the NBA, Jeff Foster is from San Antonio, Texas: apparently, you’re not supposed to mess with people from Texas.  Growing up under the tutelage of Sam Perkins (alleged drug connoisseur) Jeff “Austrailian for Basketball Player” Foster no doubt is familiar with the “seedy” underworld of the NBA, but has chosen to elevate himself above the influence (As opposed to elevating his game).

Advantage: Blazers.  Sheed’s anger overwhelms The Aussie Adequate, and after Rasheed is done with him Jeff Foster is Technically dead, giving Rasheed Wallace one more career technical for the books, a fitting end for the Philadelphia native.

Overall Advantage: Blazers.  By the slimmest of margins, Paul Allen's squad outdoes Larry Bird's Pacer's, a victory that was very much in question until Jeff Foster got involved.  In the end, it appears that the team with the larger criminal record always triumphs (unless you're the Donte' Stallworth Browns, that is).