Undoubtedly one of the wisest NBA players to have ever played the game, Brian Scalabrine has earned millions of dollars in return for the wisdom he imparts on the practice court and in the locker room (as opposed to his on court contributions). Despite suffering from Gingervitis, Scalabrine has blossomed into one of the premier locker room players in today’s league, and a modern day role model for unathletic white kids the world over. But what makes him such a success, his knowledge of penetration, his undeniable grace? As life coach Bernie De Souza seems to say, “your success is hidden in your daily routine,” so perhaps by analyzing Brian Scalabrine’s daily routine, we can divine how he has succeeded in raising The Glass Ceiling for vertically challenged (NBA) minorities to new heights.
11 am – Brian is woken up by his Marv Albert alarm clock, but if he’s not feeling it, don’t sweat it – morning shootaround is optional for The Scallion.
12 pm – Woken up for a second time, Big Red makes his way to the kitchen for some Lucky Charms in a bowl of Irish Cream.
12-1 pm – Scal spends an hour every day polishing his championship ring from the 2008 Celtics; without it he won’t be allowed into the Bulls arena or practice facility, since all white people look the same. Sometimes Kurt Thomas comes over, you know, just to watch.
1-1:15 pm – Brian spends 15 minutes every day clearing his voicemail. Usually there’s a message from his mother, his college or high school coach, an Irish sports reporter or two, and a couple of messages from Carlos Boozer (“Hey Brian, it’s me Carlos, just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out or something… Nobody else is around, just give me a call when you get a chance, I just want to check in…” and this goes on for another 10 minutes).
1:15-3:00 pm – As the premier warm-up shooter in the league, The Scallion has a reputation to uphold. For almost two hours he gets ready for the game, practicing his stroke in front of the television as he watches Miami Vice, Full House, or the tape of Nets v. Warriors on January 26th, 2005, when he scored a career high 29 points.
3:00-3:30 pm – Famished from a hard day’s work, Scal drives to the local Taco Bell and eats a Taco 12 Pack in the car. When he gets home he tosses the box into the garbage can – nothing but net. Scal gives himself a pound for icing lunch with the clutch garbage toss and heads to the fridge.
4:30-5:15 pm – After a power hour of Irish Killians and drunken yoga, Big Red calls a cab (don’t drink and drive) to head to the stadium for the night’s match-up: Game 1 of the Heat/Bulls series. They hit some traffic, but that’s what road beers are for.
5:15 pm – Scal enters through the player’s entrance (after showing some ID and flashing his championship ring) and eats two packets of ketchup, as is his custom. This will give him the energy he needs during the game, plus it stains his teeth so that his opponents think he has been feasting on blood, or V8 juice.
5:15-6:00 pm – Baring his teeth for all to see, Brian makes his way into the locker room. He is not on the playoff roster, but still gets undressed and hangs around for a while before putting his suit back on. Rumor has it that a naked Brian Scalabrine does wonders for morale, boosting the confidence of everyone in the locker room.
6:00-6:30 pm – Standing beneath the basket for warm-ups, The Scallion cheers his teammates on as they take lay-ups and run shooting drills. Technique is key: two claps per teammate, exactly three words (a combination of “baby” “butter” and “raindance”). “That’s Butter Baby!”, “Baby we’re Raindancin’!”, “Butter’s Rainin’ now!” to name a few.
6:30-7:00 pm – While Coach T2 gives his pregame speech, Big Red carefully wraps a white towel around each of his hands. These towels will be used to whip the Bulls and their faithful into a frenzy, the likes of which Chris Bosh has never seen.
7:30-11 pm – Game time. Scalabrine works up quite a sweat, burning off his lunch tacos with a variety of swirls, twirls, and cha-chas as he leads the Bulls to a rousing 103-82 victory. NBA analysts would later note “Brian Scalabrine seemed to be in attendance.”
11:30 pm – While the NBA’s bench-warming wannabes are out on the town, Brian is getting his beauty sleep, his arm encased in a hyperbaric chamber in the right of the bed. This chamber rejuvenates his arm after a day of work, restoring youth and vigor to Scalabrine’s 3rd most important body part. After nearly 12 hours of rest, the Big B.S will be ready to meet the next day (afternoon, mostly) head on.
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