A Day in the Life of Brian Scalabrine

 

Undoubtedly one of the wisest NBA players to have ever played the game, Brian Scalabrine has earned millions of dollars in return for the wisdom he imparts on the practice court and in the locker room (as opposed to his on court contributions).  Despite suffering from Gingervitis, Scalabrine has blossomed into one of the premier locker room players in today’s league, and a modern day role model for unathletic white kids the world over.  But what makes him such a success, his knowledge of penetration, his undeniable grace?  As life coach Bernie De Souza seems to say, “your success is hidden in your daily routine,” so perhaps by analyzing Brian Scalabrine’s daily routine, we can divine how he has succeeded in raising The Glass Ceiling for vertically challenged (NBA) minorities to new heights.

11 am – Brian is woken up by his Marv Albert alarm clock, but if he’s not feeling it, don’t sweat it – morning shootaround is optional for The Scallion.

12 pm – Woken up for a second time, Big Red makes his way to the kitchen for some Lucky Charms in a bowl of Irish Cream.

12-1 pm – Scal spends an hour every day polishing his championship ring from the 2008 Celtics; without it he won’t be allowed into the Bulls arena or practice facility, since all white people look the same.  Sometimes Kurt Thomas comes over, you know, just to watch.

1-1:15 pm – Brian spends 15 minutes every day clearing his voicemail.  Usually there’s a message from his mother, his college or high school coach, an Irish sports reporter or two, and a couple of messages from Carlos Boozer (“Hey Brian, it’s me Carlos, just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out or something… Nobody else is around, just give me a call when you get a chance, I just want to check in…” and this goes on for another 10 minutes).

 

1:15-3:00 pm – As the premier warm-up shooter in the league, The Scallion has a reputation to uphold.  For almost two hours he gets ready for the game, practicing his stroke in front of the television as he watches Miami Vice, Full House, or the tape of Nets v. Warriors on January 26^th, 2005, when he scored a career high 29 points.

3:00-3:30 pm – Famished from a hard day’s work, Scal drives to the local Taco Bell and eats a Taco 12 Pack in the car.  When he gets home he tosses the box into the garbage can – nothing but net.  Scal gives himself a pound for icing lunch with the clutch garbage toss and heads to the fridge.

4:30-5:15 pm – After a power hour of Irish Killians and drunken yoga, Big Red calls a cab (don’t drink and drive) to head to the stadium for the night’s match-up: Game 1 of the Heat/Bulls series.  They hit some traffic, but that’s what road beers are for.

5:15 pm – Scal enters through the player’s entrance (after showing some ID and flashing his championship ring) and eats two packets of ketchup, as is his custom.  This will give him the energy he needs during the game, plus it stains his teeth so that his opponents think he has been feasting on blood, or V8 juice. 

5:15-6:00 pm – Baring his teeth for all to see, Brian makes his way into the locker room.  He is not on the playoff roster, but still gets undressed and hangs around for a while before putting his suit back on.  Rumor has it that a naked Brian Scalabrine does wonders for morale, boosting the confidence of everyone in the locker room.

6:00-6:30 pm – Standing beneath the basket for warm-ups, The Scallion cheers his teammates on as they take lay-ups and run shooting drills.  Technique is key: two claps per teammate, exactly three words (a combination of “baby” “butter” and “raindance”).  “That’s Butter Baby!”, “Baby we’re Raindancin’!”, “Butter’s Rainin’ now!” to name a few. 

6:30-7:00 pm – While Coach T² gives his pregame speech, Big Red carefully wraps a white towel around each of his hands.  These towels will be used to whip the Bulls and their faithful into a frenzy, the likes of which Chris Bosh has never seen.

7:30-11 pm – Game time.  Scalabrine works up quite a sweat, burning off his lunch tacos with a variety of swirls, twirls, and cha-chas as he leads the Bulls to a rousing 103-82 victory.  NBA analysts would later note “Brian Scalabrine seemed to be in attendance.”

11:30 pm – While the NBA’s bench-warming wannabes are out on the town, Brian is getting his beauty sleep, his arm encased in a hyperbaric chamber in the right of the bed.  This chamber rejuvenates his arm after a day of work, restoring youth and vigor to Scalabrine’s 3^rd most important body part.  After nearly 12 hours of rest, the Big B.S will be ready to meet the next day (afternoon, mostly) head on.

Why It’s Great to Be Dan Gilbert

After Lebron James left Cleveland for greener pastures (or bluer waters), much attention was paid to Cavs owner Dan Gilbert and his reaction to the slight.  This attention turned into a media frenzy after Gilbert released an open letter to the fans of Cleveland, in which he promised Cavaliers fans that a) the Cavs would win a championship before Lebron and his new teammates and b) Lebron would carry a curse with him wherever he went until he had done “right” by Cleveland to amend his mistakes prior to and during The Decision.  Since then, Dan Gilbert has lived the dream- the beloved owner of a team whose fan base has no expectations, the developer of a new casino along with Caesar Entertainment Corp, and Baron Davis’ boss.  Here are five reasons why Dan Gilbert is living a charmed life these days.

1) He hated Lebron James before it was cool

These days most people have a certain amount of disdain for Lebron James, or at the very least will hesitate before saying they’re a fan of his (even Narcissus himself had fans back in the day).  In the minutes following The Decision, Cleveland residents and Cavs fans everywhere (not to mention “All of Northeast Ohio”) were dazed, confused, and unsure how to react to the “King” and his flight of biblical proportions from the shores of Lake Erie to the shores of South Beach.  But then came Gilbert’s post-Decision “Open Letter” to fans everywhere.  It had one message: Lebron had betrayed the city of Cleveland by reneging on his promises to bring a championship to Cleveland when greener pastures (or bluer waters) presented themselves.  The result?  Cleveland burned, and Dan Gilbert established himself as the voice of a broken people, filled with bile and seeking revenge.

2) His team won 19 more games than they were expected to

After Lebron’s departure, there were no expectations for the Cleveland Cavaliers.  If they hadn’t won a single game all year nobody would’ve been particularly surprised, especially once the Brazilian Board-grabber went down.  Instead, the Cavs reeled off a cool 19 victories over the season, including one gigantic one against the Miami Heat.  Finishing a mere 43 games off the pace in the Eastern Conference, Cleveland showed that while it might still not win many games, it wouldn’t take defeat laying down (mostly).

3) He gets to hang out with Daniel “Boobie” Gibson all the time

Boobie Gibson is the King of Cleveland.  Just ask him.  After the previous “King” had exited the city, Boobie stepped up to take the mantle and hasn’t looked back since.  Getting to spend time with Boobie Gibson is a privilege of incalculable value (actually, it costs $4,015,334), and Dan Gilbert has the opportunity to do so every day.  It’s always an honor to speak with someone who has survived playing with or against Delonte West, and this experience has benefitted Boobie’s subjects during his reign over The Forest City, including Dan Gilbert.

4) He has two first names

Rick James.  Thomas Edison.  Bruce Wayne.  Ron Paul.  What do all of these cultural cornerstones have in common?  They were blessed with twice as many first names as the average human being, giving them skills of epic proportions.  Dan Gilbert has benefitted from this same twist of fate, using his powers as a double-first namer in order to found his own mortgage lender firm, work to rehab downtrodden industrial cities of North America, and acquire a majority stake in an NBA franchise.  Are these things more prestigious than inventing the lightbulb, championing heroin or composing Super Freak?  You decide.

5) He’s worth over $400 million

That’s a lot of dough-re-mi.  With $400 million you can do a lot of things, like pay for an entire war’s worth of wrongs, purchase a hotel in midtown Manhattan or buy 400 items costing $1,000,000 each.  Regardless of what he does, Dan will certainly never have to flip burgers (a la Arthur Agee) or engage in any other form of manual labor for as long as he lives.  That makes for a pretty good life, no matter how well the Cavaliers play.

Fight of the Century: Portland “Jailblazers” vs. “Malice at the Palace” Pacers

Whenever two dominant forces coexist, whether in sports or the world, it seems to be human nature to compare the two; From US vs. Soviet Union to Rocky Balboa vs. Ivan Drago, people always demand a winner and loser in sports and in life.  In the 21^st century, two NBA teams distinguished themselves as extraordinarily Thugnificent through their exploits both on and off the court: the 2002-2003 Portland Trailblazers and the 2004-2005 Indiana Pacers.  These two teams were filled with players of moderate basketball skill, but more importantly players of larger than life personalities and criminal records (almost as large as Trailblazer great Fat Shawn Kemp).  Sadly, these two teams never met each other while in their prime (by the time the Pacers had achieved Malice at the Palace level skill, the Trailblazers had shipped out NBA greats Qyntel Woods, Dale Davis and others in order to begin the Darius Miles era in earnest).  But what if they had met?  Who would’ve won the street fight that was bound to erupt in the player’s parking lot following the game?

For this analysis, each member of the teams’ starting 5’s will be matched up, and a fight between them dissected with the precision of Tony Allen’s barber.  Not the actual starting line-ups of course, but instead the five best brawlers on the roster.**  The rules are simple: there are no rules (just like Isiah Rider’s shot selection). 

**Dale Davis, a member of both teams, abstains from the fight and instead fights a bear

Damon Stoudamire vs. Jamaal Tinsley

Without a doubt, Damon Stoudamire was a true Blazer during his time in Portland, in every sense of the word.  Responding to a security alarm at Stoudamire’s home in 2002, police instead found a pound of marijuana stashed in his home.  Additionally, “Mighty Mouse” was pulled over by police with fellow Blazer Rasheed Wallace (in his bright yellow Hummer, naturally) while under the influence of the drug, and was fined and suspended after a third possession offense in 2003.   However, Damon showed a crafty side when he took a voluntary drug test administered by a third party in order to counter his detractors, coming away clean.  Although the integrity of the test was questioned by many league sources, this move shows that Damon has a mind for strategery.

Although Jamaal Tinsley has no criminal record, growing up in Rucker Park his nickname was “Mel Mel the Abuser,” which suggests that he is not above acts of violence.  Throughout his career Mel Mel has proven to be a serviceable sidekick, dishing out as many as 8.4 assists (2007-2008) in any given year.  Although this penchant for assists might have served him well in an all out brawl, he will be hard pressed to create for himself in a one-on-one match-up.  However, as a perennial headband wearer you can’t count him out.

Advantage: Blazers.  Despite Jamaal’s headband the smoke emanating from Damon’s mouth intimidates him, and as Jamaal looks around desperately for help, “Mighty Mouse” rolls over his opponent in his Yellow Hummer, sending him up to meet the Big Dealer in the Sky.

Ruben Patterson vs. Stephen Jackson

Ruben Patterson’s rap sheet runs as long as Drew Gooden’s beard, from attempted rape to assault and back again.  In addition to being a registered sex offender Patterson is just a bad-ass dude, bullying his way around on the basketball court while bullying his wife and others off of it.  However, it must be noted that the majority of the violence he’s been convicted for has been conducted against women, meaning that while he is a serious threat to the nearest Victoria’s Secret or yoga class, those skills might not carry over to the court.

While many former teammates and coaches have championed Stephen Jackson’s character and willingness to work within a team concept, he has been accused of assault and battery (among other things) and played a key role in the Malice at the Palace.  Video evidence suggests that he will swing wildly at innocent spectators, let alone his actual target.  During a fight outside of a club in Indianapolis in 2006 “Captain Jack” fired a 9-mm pistol at his alleged assailants, so in this particular battle it’s not unlikely that he would be willing to employ a weapon in his fight against in the Blazers.

Advantage: Pacers.  Apart from his great headband, the Captain’s propensity towards firearms and willingness to charge headfirst into a fight prove too much for Patterson, who is admitted to the hospital and ends up assaulting his nurse.

Qyntel Woods vs. Ron Artest

Before Michael Vick, there was Qyntel Woods.  Like, Woods was found guilty to first degree animal abuse after staging pit bull fights at his home, some of which included pit bulls he raised himself.  However, unlike Vick, Woods did not receive jail time but instead paid a $10,000 fine and performed 80 hours of community service.  How the times have changed.  While watching dog fights Qyntel undoubtedly gained a wealth of knowledge about cruelty, forcing other animals to do your fighting for you, and how to be a dick.  No wonder he’s playing in Poland right now.

Ron Artest.  J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award winner.  Humanitarian.  Patriot.  Renaissance man.  Ron-Ron may seem awfully cultured now, but there was a time when he charged into the stands at agame and punched innocent fans, believe it or not.  Apart from that, he is known as a dirtier sort of defender, and holds the distinction of having been handed the longest suspension for an on-court event in NBA history.  In short, he’s a pretty rough guy, but then again I would be too if I had ever seen somebody killed on the court during a game.  

Advantage: Pacers.  As an active member of PETA, Ron Artest will have a problem with Qyntel Woods.  Seeing as though he sacrificed over $4 million by running into the stands to hit somebody (the wrong body, as it turns out) who threw a Diet Coke on him, he’s probably not going to hold back when going after Qyntel.  Going after him with a table leg, that is.

Zach Randolph vs. Jermaine O’Neal

Zach Randolph has little regard for the safety of his opponents.  In fact, he has even hit his own teammate in the face in the pursuit of greater team chemistry and that elusive championship ring.  Obviously he would never throw a punch unless the other guy was asking for it, friend or foe alike, because Z-Bo is not only the best player in The League, but a superior human being.  With a headband upon his head, Z-Bo is load in the paint, and a force in the parking lot.

If nothing else, Jermaine O’Neal is cold blooded.  How else could you basically Kermit Washington a fan being helped off the floor after the police are already involved?  Rumor has it that even Jermaine’s teammates won’t sleep on the plane, for fear that he’ll smother them with a pillow while they sleep.  He’s that menacing (or passive aggressive, depending on how you look at it).  Having been a Blazer himself, “J.O” (as NBA.com calls him) will have an axe to grind with his former team, and has the tools (or lack of moral fiber) to sucker punch Zach Randolph and end the fight before it begins.

Advantage: Blazers.  How could anyone pick against Z-Bo?  With his slick footwork and sharp elbows, Zach Randolph will be sure to box out Jermaine O’Neal’s face with his fist.

Rasheed Wallace vs. Jeff Foster

 “Sheed” has demonstrated his problem with authority throughout his career, having amassed countless technical fouls and even threatening bodily harm towards Tim Donaghy (poor guy, or is he?) following a game in 2003.  Rasheed has been tied to marijuana use throughout his career as well (must of Damon Stoudamire’s friends are), but he has not let that stop him from repeatedly fighting his opponents and referees en route to multiple championships.  His on court rage is second to none.

Although he has no police record or notable altercations in the NBA, Jeff Foster is from San Antonio, Texas: apparently, you’re not supposed to mess with people from Texas.  Growing up under the tutelage of Sam Perkins (alleged drug connoisseur) Jeff “Austrailian for Basketball Player” Foster no doubt is familiar with the “seedy” underworld of the NBA, but has chosen to elevate himself above the influence (As opposed to elevating his game).

Advantage: Blazers.  Sheed’s anger overwhelms The Aussie Adequate, and after Rasheed is done with him Jeff Foster is Technically dead, giving Rasheed Wallace one more career technical for the books, a fitting end for the Philadelphia native.

Overall Advantage: Blazers.  By the slimmest of margins, Paul Allen's squad outdoes Larry Bird's Pacer's, a victory that was very much in question until Jeff Foster got involved.  In the end, it appears that the team with the larger criminal record always triumphs (unless you're the Donte' Stallworth Browns, that is).

Zach Randolph, NBA Hero

If I could be anyone in the NBA for one day, I would have to choose Zach Randolph.  For starters, a headband is a must.  But beyond the headband, there’s something deeper within me that longs to fill Z-Bo’s shoes.  Where other players use finesse and quickness to succeed in the NBA, Z-Bo’s brute strength and cavalier attitude (not to be confused with Cavalier attitude) have a strange but powerful appeal.  Rebounding can be the least graceful part of the game, where bodies collide and might makes right, much like in the battles between Greek Gods long ago (or in line at your local Burger King).  This blog began as an attempt to figure out what makes Zach Randolph a man among boys, a total baller with a heart of gold and a derriere of steel, boxing out men twice his size (Jerome James, who was last listed at 8’11”, 520 lbs).  My hope is that, in the course of discussing the NBA, the truth (not to be confused with The Truth) about Zach Randolph’s source of dominance will be revealed to us all, but for now I can only speculate as to why Z-Bo seemingly cannot fail at anything he does.

Zach Randolph embodies the greed which can be found in the hearts of all men: to anyone who has ever wanted to take the last cookie in the jar, double park in front of the grocery store or eat dessert before dinner, Zach Randolph is the embodiment of these desires. His displays of rebounding, bucketing and generally dominating the basketball would be frowned upon anywhere else but the basketball court; He knows what he wants (rebounds and fade away jumpers) and he takes it all, boxing out the rest of the world in the process.  His smile is infectious, his appeal universal, and his play on the basketball court completely uncompromising.  Armed with only a headband (woven from Bill Walton’s hair, no doubt) and an unrelenting motor (a hybrid, perhaps) Zach Randolph wages war on a nightly basis against men of all shapes, and sizes.  His success does not seem to stem from endless hours of “practice” (Iverson, 2002) and he is not graced with ungodly athleticism, size, or shoulders (see Dwight Howard for more on this).  Instead, Zach Randolph has the most heart of anyone in the NBA (sorry Eddy Curry).

It is Z-Bo’s desire which has enabled him to prevail where so many have failed -- to overcome obstacles in high school (he finished 2^nd to Jared Jeffries for the title of Indiana’s Mr. Basketball), college (saddled with Tom Izzo, a coach who would rather shoot free throws than coach his team), and the NBA (Bonzi Wells’ monopoly on headbands in the Trailblazer’s locker room).  He’s not blessed with superhuman traits, but instead has taken the tools of a mortal man and transformed himself into an NBA icon.  In Memphis he has found a city of blue collar workers and blues players, a city stuck behind Nashville just as Z-Bo himself was once stuck behind Eddy Curry in the post-game buffet line.  Zach is done playing second fiddle (Wayman Tisdale) and is dragging his adopted home with him to the top, past the Spurs and perhaps now past the Thunder.  Today we are all witnesses to the ascent of the NBA’s most unlikely hero, the undersized dynamo from Marion, Indiana who was selected behind NBA greats DeSagana Diop, Kirk Haston and Rodney White in the 2001 Draft but has outplayed them all, defying the odds.  Regardless of how far the Grizzlies go in this year’s playoffs or how much English Marc Gasol learns to speak, of how crazy Tony Allen is or how overpaid Mike Conley is, one thing is clear: they can all depend on 20 points, 10 rebounds, a great headband and whole lot of hustle game in and game out from Zach Randolph, NBA Hero.